Naturalistic Support groups help us develop healthier, more effective communication skills by examining the way that we communicate. Processing communication is different than being engaged in the content of a discussion. Processing involves talking about the way you talk – having a meta-discussion.
To get a feel of how a talk about the way we talk works, imagine a dialog between two old friends Toni and Gene who now find themselves at opposite ends of the political spectrum. Toni has come to recognize that she and Gene have not been able to communicate about their divergent political beliefs without the conversation becoming contentious.
After many attempts, Toni feels that the best way to go forward with Gene is to steer clear of political discussions and instead enjoy the many pleasurable aspects of their relationship.
Gene, however, isn’t agreeing to what Toni is asking. Repeatedly, Gene makes remarks to provoke Toni politically. When Toni does take the bait and asserts her position, Gene usually reacts with anger and ends the discussion by walking away or ending the phone call. This is usually followed by a protracted period of Gene refusing contact with Toni. Out of frustration, Toni attempts to have a discussion with Gene about their communication problem:
Toni: Gene, I’ve asked you not to bring up politics, and when you do, it feels disrespectful. I can live with us disagreeing — that’s not the problem. The problem is that it puts a strain on everything else we value in our relationship. To protect that, I think we need to keep this one area off-limits.
Gene: I’m sorry it feels that way to you. I don’t mean any disrespect. It’s just… these issues matter to me, and I want to share what I care about.
Toni: I get that. But I feel just as strongly about my views. And for the sake of our friendship, I’ve held back from saying things that could spark a fight. Honestly, our relationship matters more to me than convincing you I’m right.
Gene: But Toni, you only believe what you do because you’re being misled. If you had the real facts, I’m sure you’d agree with me.
Toni: Maybe. Or maybe your sources are wrong. The truth is, neither of us is likely to convince the other. What I do know is that we’ve been friends for a long time, long before politics got this ugly. That’s worth protecting. So I’m asking that we both drop the political talk — no debates, no headlines, no politicians. Just the friendship.
Sometimes a partner will veer off of the meta-discussion and return to the content of the original discussion. This can happen repeatedly, especially when someone is inexperienced with processing communication dynamics. In such cases the primary topic, conflict filled as it may be, is a relative comfort zone compared to engaging in communication processing. Therefore, it is much easier for them to circle back to the primary topic of disagreement.
Gene: But I feel like the media is brainwashing you. I care about you, and I want you to see what’s really happening.
Toni: I appreciate that you mean well. But when you push me like this, it hurts our friendship.
Gene: Don’t you see how they’re lying to you?! [Gene starts listing political points.]
Toni: Gene, stop. This isn’t about who’s right. It’s about us. I don’t want to keep going in circles and damaging something that’s so important to me. The only way forward is if we both respect the boundary I’m asking for.
The intimate quality of a Naturalistic Support group provides a unique opportunity to learn communication skills that most people never experienced in their original families. Very few children have grown up with benefit of regularly observing two adults fighting fair — talking through their issues with respect and tolerance, a willingness to listen, and a desire to be understood. Few grew up in an environment where the adults attempted to respond nondefensively, where the expression of difficult feelings was acceptable, where they had confidence in the communication process, and knew they were committed to improving their relationship.
It is far more likely to have grown up in an environment where hurt and anger might seethe and ferment, expressed only through passive aggression. On occasion things could reach a boiling point causing an explosive outburst.
In the aftermath, a protracted period of disengagement, or “the silent treatment” might occur where one person shuns another. Although they are filled with emotion they lack the skills to share their feelings constructively. Finishing off the dysfunctional cycle will be the eventual resumption of normal relations with no acknowledgement of the recent conflict. This part of the cycle involves deep denial and disconnection from reality. Sometimes one person tries in vain to communicate, while the other refuses to acknowledge what happened. Other times, both parties conspire to the pretense that there’s nothing that warrants discussion.
This may be the most dysfunctional part of the cycle because by never processing what had just happened the stage is set for a repeat performance. Without sufficient skills to examine the dynamics that led to the breakdown, all of the factors that produced the previous crisis remain in place, virtually assuring reenactment.
Naturalistic Support groups will support communicating clearly, precisely, honestly, sincerely, non-judgmentally and non-manipulatively. Naturalistic Support groups, and to some extent Experimental Zone groups will be an excellent forum for examining, experimenting, and ultimately improving the way we communicate.